Quantum Beavis

[Beavis and Butthead are falling asleep watching the Sci-fi network... Some weird Japanimation flick is showing on TV and B & B are conking out on the sofa]

(tv) Tatsuro: (badly dubbed) Oh no! We will never be able to save our homeland from the wretched beast of Aragnor!
(tv) Hoshimaru: You are correct, we will be dishonored for 23 generations. Our infinite great grandchildren will curse our names from the moment they are expelled from the womb and thrust upon this green earth.
(tv) Tatsuro: Oh what a miserable existence we lead. I must commit supuku!
(tv) Hoshimaru: no! that would be an even greater dishonor!

[Butthead slumps over asleep in the couch and Beavis' head thuds back on the headrest, sound asleep.]

(tv) VoiceOver: Will Hoshimaru and Tatsuro be able to save their village from the plagues of the Beast of Aragnor? Perhaps the answer lies only in the stars. We here on earth are left to ponder greater mysteries in the interim. Perhaps we will learn more of their plight on the next installment of "Plague of the Beasts of Nightmare" (cheezy music)

[Beavis begins picking his nose in his sleep]

(tv) (announcer guy): Stay tuned for more exciting Sci-fi, on the Sci-fi network.

(tv) (female voice) Faced with losing funding for his project, Doctor Sam Beckett entered the Quantum Leap Accelerator prematurely, and VANISHED...

closeup of Beavis, sound asleep, and wavy lines indicate the beginning of his dream...

[insert first VIDEOS here]

[The scene returns with a flash of light, drawing in Beavis' figure in the middle of a very fancy room. Beavis is wearing a full suit and tie, and he looks very confused.]

Beavis: Whoa! What's goin on? heh heh. Ahhh! I'm wearing a suit! heh heh...whoa...cool...this couch is made of like...leather or something...

[Another man in a suit runs into the room.]

Aide: Mr. President, The Soviets have issued an ultimatum on the Cuban situation! Your advisors are waiting for you!

Beavis: Who the hell are you dumbass?

Aide: I'm your personal assistant Mr President.

Beavis: Heh heh...you said "ass"...heh heh...hmmmmmm..... my nads feel different.

Aide: Mr. President! Your presence is required immediately! We need you in the Cabinet!

Beavis: Whoa...I'm not going to any Cabinet! I'm not a homeowner! ...heh heh...you can stay in the Cabinet with all the rest of you weirdos...

[Beavis notices his reflection in a small mirror across the room from him...the reflection is John F. Kennedy's]

Beavis: Ahhhhhhhh!!! whoa...heh heh...this sucks....

[insert COMMERCIAL]

[Return from commercial, and Beavis is still staring at his reflection in the mirror. He appears to be President Kennedy.]

Beavis: Whoa...this really sucks...I've got a wuss haircut...heh heh...

Aide: Mr. President, are you feeling all right?

Beavis: Shut up! Leave me alone buttmunch!

Aide: I understand you must be upset Mr. President. You just need some time to yourself to think things over. I'll be back shortly.

[The Aide leaves. A strange white door seems to slide open, and Butt-head enters the room, wearing a leisure suit, and holding a strange electronic gizmo in his hand.]

Beavis: Whoa! heh heh, That was cool Butt-head! Do it again!

Butthead: Beavis, are you, like, feeling all right?

Beavis: No way! This sucks! I'm like, wearing a suit, heh heh, and I've got this wuss haircut, and this guy wants me to go in a Cabinet with him so we can like, make out and stuff...ehehehhhhhehheh...and there's this other dude in the mirror instead of me and AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

[Beavis has a siezure...]

Butthead: Settle down dillhole. Uhh...you probably don't remember like, any of this stuff, cause your brain has like, uhh...been turned into cheese or something...but...uhhh...you're like...uhhh...leaping into other guys or something...

Beavis: No way! I don't play leapfrog with other guys! eheheh... howcome everyone thinks I'm like, coming out of the cabinet or something?

Butthead: Shut up buttmonger! Let me like, explain this to you or something...your real name is Sam Beavis...and you're like, uhhhhhh...a science dude or something...and you had this big...uhh....experiment...and you're like...uhhhhhhhh.....

[Butthead looks really confused...]

Butthead: Uhh...you're like, President Kennedy or something...

Beavis: No way! Kennedey's a chick! And she has like, really little boobs and stuff...and she wears glasses that make her look like she's smart...and she plays really crappy videos...and she wants to kick Roseanne's ass...ehheheheh...

[Beavis inches towards another siezure]

Butthead: Shut up bungwipe! You're not a chick, dumbass! You're the President of the United States and stuff...and you're here on like, and important mission or something...

[Beavis gives Butthead a look of ultimate stupidity.]

Beavis: Ummmmm......ok....heh heh...

Butthead: (sounding official) You are Sam Beavis, and you jump from life to life, making things cool that sucked before. Hoping beyond hope that the next leap, will be the leap home...huh huh...that was cool...

Beavis: Heh heh...now that you mention it...being a chick would be pretty cool...ehehheh...y'know...ya wanna see some thingies...just look in the mirror...heh heh heh heh...

[Butt-head attempts to slap Beavis, but his hand passes right through him]

Butthead: Oh yeah...huh huh...I keep forgetting about that.

Beavis: Whoa! heh heh...that was cool! So like, what are you doing here?

Butthead: I am Admiral Butthead. I'm like, a telegram or something. I'm here to make sure you don't screw things up...no...uhh...I'm like, not really here or something...uhh.....

Beavis: What the hell, Butthead? you're like, right here!

Butthead: Dammit Beavis! This is pretty complicated! There's like, a lot of words that I was supposed to remember and stuff...huh huh...

Beavis: Get me outta here asswipe! This sucks!!!

[Beavis begins wildly swinging his fists at Butthead, attempting to hit him, but his swings go right through the hologram-Butthead. Beavis gets increasingly upset and begins yelling and screaming...trying even harder to kick Butthead's noncorporeal ass]

Butthead: Huh huh...being a telegram is cool...

[insert VIDEOS]

[Return...Beavis is sitting at the desk in the Oval Office...Butthead is behind him, and the Aide has returned...]

Aide: Mr. President, the Cuban situation has gotten worse. Castro has refused to return the prisoners, and Nikita Krushchev is calling you a liar in front of the entire world audience.

Beavis: (singing) CUZ I'M A LIAR! I'M A LIAR! I'LL TEAR YOUR MIND OUT, AND BURN YOUR SOUL! heh heh....LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!

Aide: Mr. President? What action shall we take?

Beavis: (in his "Titicaca" accent): Nikita! Nuh-kee-taaa! Nnnnnuh-keee-taaaa! Heh heh heh heh. So....ummmmm....who's this Nikita chick? ehhehhehhheh. Does the President like, get a lot of chicks? heh heh...

Aide: Excuse me sir?

Beavis: You know...does the president...ummm....heh heh...I mean...do I, like score a lot?

Aide: Couldn't this wait until later Mr. President? We have an urgent situation on our hands.

Beavis: NO! I want chicks! heh. Boobs! I am your president! Bring me boobs! heh heh heh heh...

Butthead: Whoa!...you're a pretty cool president Beavis...

Beavis: heh heh...yeah...this is pretty cool...being president RULES! it RULES!

Aide: All right Mr. President, I'll see what I can do...

[The aide leaves the room looking very worried]

Beavis: Y'know...heh heh...being President is like...kinda cool and stuff...as long as people aren't like, trying to make you go into the Cabinet and stuff...heh heh...

Butthead: Uhh....there was something I was like, uhh...supposed to tell you...uhhh...oh yeah...it was like, about your mission here...

Beavis: I don't have all day! I am the president! heh heh...

Butthead: uhh....lemme see...uhh....(fiddles with the electronic gizmo he brought with him)...uhhh....huh huh...uhhhh....(hits a few more buttons, which make little beeping and chirping noises) ...uhhh.... dammit!...this thing sucks...there's nothing but numbers on it...

Beavis (imitating the scene from "Clear and Present Danger"): How dare you speak to me that way? I'm the president of the United States?!?!? heh heh...that was pretty cool, wasn't it Butthead?

Butthead: huh huh...huh huh...you rule Beavis...uhh...oh yeah...well, there's this like, chick named Nikita in Russia, and this dude in like Cueball...and they like, suck and stuff, huh huh...so you gotta like...stop them or something...

Beavis: Heh heh...how's this Butthead (imitates Clinton) ...my fellow Americans I feel your thingies...heh heh...(imitates Bush)...Read my butt...heh heh...no new taxes! heh heh heh heh...

[The door opens...Marilyn Monroe walks in...]

Marilyn: Hello there "Mr. President"...you look SO tired...would you like me to help you feel better.

[Beavis and Butthead stare at her blankly. Their eyes are as wide as dinner plates. They both make strangled panting noises.]

Butthead: Beavis. That's Madeline Monroe. You know? (long pause) There have not been, there are not, nor will there ever be, none so cool as us...

Beavis: Isn't she, like, Madonna's mom or something? heh heh...

Marilyn: Come here Mr. President, I'll make everything all better...

[guitar riffs into a COMMERCIAL]

[Return, Beavis has an intense look on his face. Butthead looks pissed.]

Beavis: Being president RULES! I SCORED! WITH MADONNA'S MOM!!! (plays air guitar) duhh duhh...duhh duhh duh...da da da da da da da duh duh duh!!!...

Butthead: Dammit! Being a telegram sucks! You're like, scoring right in front of me, and I can't even cop a feel cause I'm, like, not here or something...

Beavis: ehheh ehheheheh...Just doing my job Butthead...heh heh...

[Aide rushes in]

Aide: Mr. President! The situation has become critical!

Beavis: Heh heh...let's get some nachos...

Aide: MR. PRESIDENT!

Beavis: Bring me some nachos, my good man! heh heh...and some root beer...and like, some cookies...and some chocolate....heh heh...yeah...

Aide: All right, Mr. President...but PLEASE join me in the Cabinet...your presence is imperitive!!!

Beavis: uhhh...ok...but if anyone like, tries to touch my weiner in there...I'm gonna kick your ass!

Butthead: Huh huh...yeah...you tell him, Beavis.

[Insert VIDEOS]

[Beavis is at the head of the table in the Cabinet room, munching on nachos and drinking root beer. Butthead the hologram is standing behind him, trying to cop a feel off JFK's secretary without much luck. The entire Cabinet is in the room, advising Beavis of the Cuban missle crisis...]

Defense secretary: Mr. President, we must make a decision soon, the entire Western alliance rests on what we do here....

Beavis: Ummmm....(munch munch)....ok...

Defense: We have prepared several plans of action...we need your approval to execute them....

Beavis: Uhh....(munch munch)...ok...

Robert Kennedy: This is all in your hands now Jack...

Beavis: Heh heh...you said "jack"...

Defense: Do we hold the line? or do we get ready to drop the bomb?

Beavis: heh heh...I already "dropped a bomb" a few seconds ago...heh heh...

Butthead: huh huh huh huh huh...yet another victim of chemical warfare...

Beavis: Heh heh...launch the SBD missle!...heh heh heh

Secretary of State: Perhaps you should consider the ramifications of such an action Mr. President...we basically have the fate of the world in our hands here. We've spoken with the Prime Minister of Canada, Mexico-

[As the Secretary of State rambles on...Beavis begins to feel the effects of the sugar rush provided by the Root Beer and the candy...a gradual transformation begins to take place...]

State(cont.): We have already contacted our bases in Central America...Panama reports that they can handle the situation...and so can El Salvador, Costa Rica and Nicaragua...now Guate-

Beavis: N-N-N-N-N-N-NEEEEEEEEEEEECARAGUA!!!!

Defense: Mr. President?...

[Beavis rises, pulls his suit jacket over his head and begins walking on the table, holding his palms in the air beside his face]

Beavis: I am El Presidente Cornholio! None shall defy me! I seek TP for my bunghole!

Defense: Pardon me sir?

Beavis: Are you threatening me? I am Presidente Cornholio!

Defense: Do you feel threatened sir? Should we take action? Should we drop the bomb?

Beavis: Heh heh...Drop the bomb! heh heh ...you must do so, for I can not! Where I come from, we have no bungholes! I cannot drop my own bombs! You must drop them for me!...

Defense: Sir, you realize what you are doing here?

Beavis: Are you threatening me? I am PRESIDENTE CORNHOLIO!!! heh heh...

Defense: yes sir...I shall be on my way...

Beavis: NICARAGUA!...ahhhhhh......

Butthead (looking at his hand-held gizmo): Uhh...Beavis...there's like, something wrong here...

Beavis: Nothing is wrong! I am Cornholio! The only wrong is one without TP!

Butthead: uhh...ok...

[There is a flash of white light, and a nuclear cloud appears outside the window]

Beavis: Whoa! heh heh...cool...

[Beavis leaps away in a white light, shaking from the impact of the nuclear explosion]

[Cutaway to the living room, Butthead is shaking Beavis awake.]

Butthead: Dammit Beavis! Wake up! You're like, drooling on the couch again! Uh huh huh huh.

Beavis: Whoa! This is it! The leap home! Yes! heh heh...I guess I did it right! heh heh...

Butthead: Were you dreaming about spanking your monkey again?

Beavis: No! I was this dude! and I kept leaping into other dudes. And I jumped onto Kennedy, except it was the other Kennedy, without the little boobs. I was like, the King of the White House. heh heh...And I scored with Madonna's mom! ... And I got nachos whenever I wanted! And-

Butthead: Dammit Beavis. Am I gonna have to kick your ass again? Uh huh huh huh.

Beavis: heh heh...no way...you can't kick my ass because you're a telegram...and you're like, not even here...heh heh...so you can't score with anyone, but I can...and whenever I try to kick your ass....

[Beavis slaps Butthead, making a very loud slapping sound. Butthead is not amused]

Beavis: Oh...heh heh....sorry about that...

[Butthead begins pummelling Beavis, who begins screaming like a little girl...The fight continues over the guitar riffs that lead to the end of the show]

THE END

please address any comments, insults, marriage proposals or death threats to denslee@middlebury.edu OR enslee@panther.middlebury.edu

until we meet again...I shall remain...Dave 'The Original Stuart' Enslee